Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dumb and Dumber

Well folks, I think I need to get in touch with Jeff Foxworthy to collect my sign.
For those who don’t know who Jeff Foxworthy is, he is a very funny American with a strong Southern accent to match, who talks about dishing out “I am Stupid” signs to people who do stupid things. Yesterday – I definitely earned mine.

Here is my journey to being a Dumb Ass – as my friend Charlie would say.

Step 1: Decide to join friends for a family picnic on Women’s day at the Botanical gardens in Roodepoort.
Step 2: Ensure normal breadknife is unavailable by putting it in the dishwasher and switching it on.
Step 3: Start organizing all the food for the picnic while husband and small child go shopping.
Step 4: All packed and ready to go, child is dressed, I am dressed, hubby is dressed and all geared to depart.
Step 5: Hear hubby say – “Let’s take a knife to cut the bread with” (he had bought a loaf to take along)
Step 6: Immediately pick up big carving knife and special knife sharpening tool, making sure to hold the tool steady and run the knife through it with nice pressured downward strokes.
Step 7: Knife slips and slices through thumb holding the tool. Oops.
So I don’t really react too much, there’s a bit of blood but will just wash it and put a plaster on, I think.
In the bathroom after looking a bit closer, I see it’s more than a scratch – in fact its pretty deep. Leo in the meantime is going into crisis panic mode. I say “I think this needs more than a plaster, I think it needs stitches.”
More panic mode from Leo.
I say “Don’t worry, I know you can get special plaster strips that work like stitches, let’s quickly go to the pharmacy to get some”. I am really keen on this picnic and don’t want to spend the day in the emergency room queue.

Step 8 : What I haven’t mentioned yet is that it is the second time that day that I have sliced the same thumb with the same tool and the same knife, only it was minor and a plaster sorted it out. So you could say I went from Dumb to Dumber.

So we go to the pharmacy, get the strips, come home, wash the thumb, dress it with antiseptic and then attempt to apply strips. I realize then that they are just not doing what it says on the box, so off we go to Olivedale Emergency.
Turns out everyone in town is having an emergency – the numbers in the waiting room indicated a wait of at least two hours.
So we decide to go to Mediclinic in Randburg, much less busy and where we should have gone in the first place, which would have meant we could still have made the picnic.

In the end I got a lovely local anesthetic, a tetanus injection and three stitches in my thumb.
Oh and I have to wear a thumb splint to stop it from bending, because that opens up the wound again and we don’t want that.

So In the end we had a picnic on the grass at home, which was quite nice.

PS – I now know which way not to hold knife and tool, but this is moot because Leo has hidden said tool and refuses to tell me where it is.

Now I just need to go and collect my sign.

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